You Are A Sober, Sexy, and Sticky Mess
You are sober. Some of you have been working your steps, you have spent that time letting go of old patterns. Some just don’t need alcohol in your life but you do love a good beverage and you are out on the town looking to see what the world has to offer. You remain a horny creature and you gotta sell who you are while you sip your drink. Let’s get to know who we are at this party.
Coke with grenadine: You seek the beautiful balance between calm and chaos. Aesthetics are important to you. You may go off with that good looking person with exquisite taste in jeans, and tattoos, and find a park to have sex in but it can’t just be any park. Not with your carefully curated look. If you are going to give attention to that wild side of yourself that park better be original and interesting and the plants better accentuate your angles when your knickers are around your ankles.
Diet Coke: You have your fitness routine. You have your schedule for many things. You aren’t here to waste time, but often you do it to others. You are proud of how far you have come in life but you can’t quite quit some things. You need a little pain. With each sip you feel that dirty caress of aspartame. You aren’t entirely over that one ex. You say you are friends but you immediately reply to their rare texts and analyze what they truly meant when they say, “lol sure.”
“Lol” was that positive or sarcastic. You can’t ask of course because you would have to share a part of yourself and you aren’t going to do that again.
7-Up: You don’t desire any distractions. You are a focused and determined lover if given a chance. You will be tender if that is required. You will dominate them if that excites them. You love acts of service.
Shirley Temple: You are definitely a sub and that is more than okay. You are going to adore and appreciate whoever comes your way. You are exceptionally good at folding laundry and tend to be giddy about anywhere, be it a public library, or the palace of Versailles. You live to please but not in a co-dependent way. You have worked on those boundaries.
Coffee: You aren’t here to get laid. You appreciate the beauty and rawness of humanity but you know your limits. You might flirt, but then you will make sure people get home safe before you hit up a late night meeting with Bill. You will then go home to pet your cat while listening to that one vinyl album you treated yourself to this week. You do secretly enjoy those DMs you get from people, but you aren’t quite there yet. (Your excitement these days involves a rich ice cream sundae with butterscotch sauce.)
V-8/Bloody Mary Mix: You are a true filth monster. Nothing will hold you back from your wanton desires but you like to make sure everyone is tended to. That person is on their period? You are up for it. You will pull that tampon out with your teeth while offering them some ibuprofen. Your seduction technique may not be obvious but you like to ask questions that throw people off their balance. It excites you to find vulnerability right away, and you will always honour it.
La Croix and other fancy sparkling flavoured waters: You have worked through some internalized shame. You are not tied to any labels and frankly you are a happy-go-lucky slut. You adore every flavour of human out there and yes you may prefer a few flavours to others but you love those other flavours too in the right moment. You love a good picnic or barbecue and you won’t say no to an extra serving of brisket. (vegan or meat, it all tastes good with enough sauce.) Your google calendar is everything to you so that you don’t double book social occasions or dates. Though you do have a knack for combining parties and dates into quite the experience. You will show up to help people move or get them from the airport and then talk people into going for pizza and maybe making out with one or two after watching one more episode of a long canceled tv show a former lover got you into. You even found a skeeball buddy after meeting someone in the line to vote on election day.
Root beer: You are a friendly flirt. You never cross the line, you are more like a well trained golden retriever. You won’t hump anyone’s legs or jump on them unless they give you express permission to do so. Once you find your person you will proceed to forget all of your training when you are with them. You are just so excited to have found someone, and you want to show your enthusiasm. You have a knack for giving lingering hugs that can heal or confuse people in a good way. Be careful with that super power.
Cream Soda: You have no idea how to flirt. You say this often. You are pure adorable awkwardness. You have hazy memories of flirting once upon a time but that also came with a lot of apologies, having to replace a vintage vase and the promise to never return to that living history site. For now you do your best to be pleasant, appreciate all sweetness that comes your way, and if someone takes one look at you, and says, “I think you should make out with me.” well who are you to argue when that person looks so appetizing.
Lime Rickey: You are a weirdo. An out of time weirdo happily doing your own thing. You love the swirl of the ice in a glass as you talk about your passions. You make absolutely no apologies for where your heart takes you. You will proclaim your excitement like a warrior before needing a long cuddle. Your avidity isn’t for everyone but when people are drawn to you, it is a love affair like no other. Your exes speak well of you.
Tap Water: We are glad you are invested in staying hydrated, and you tell everyone how bad carbonated beverages are for people’s teeth. You probably do a lot of cleanses, and you are trying to take care of yourself after your past of living on pop tarts and breakfast burritos from the gas station. You would like to display your ardor for your fellow humans but it often comes across like you are being competitive. You are definitely eager to please and prove yourself. Just be a little more gentle with your tongue.
Pepsi: There is nothing sexy about Pepsi. Sometimes you aren’t here to be sexy, just accept that Pepsi will never be sexy.
